notes: Takes place directly after Quatre's ZERO encounter (so between Sins of Trust and Salvation's Kiss, for series purposes.)
The stars are beautiful...but they look like tears. I remember not too long ago, when I first discovered that I could still cry, and that tears shed in space freeze and crystallise. I waved my hand through them, brushed them away with my fingers, and watched them shatter against the console.
And that sorrow was not nearly so great as this one. Why was I sad then? I'd almost destroyed Deathscythe, but what upset me wasn't only that I was sure to have upset Duo. Sacrifices must be made in battle, I accepted that long ago. But it was a symbolic moment for the colonies--they wanted to see the Gundam destroyed. The Gundam. After all we'd done for them, all we would keep doing for them, they wanted us to lose.
And I cried. So you see, I do understand you after all.
I wish you could see the sky now the way I do. Space, from here, is like a blanket, thick and warm like the darkest, softest velvet ever woven. I am wrapped in space, I'm part of it, expanding with it--I think I could have answers to all my questions now, if only I could remember what those questions are. The stars hang like diamonds. My head knows they're only huge balls of gas and fire, but still they look alive. The way they glitter--it is their breath, their touch, and if I could move my hands I would reach for them.
You remind me of diamond, too. It's the strongest, hardest mineral occurring on earth, but it looks so delicate, so clear, and when cut just right it captures light and radiates it back outward again.
You're always radiating light. Even this last time--I wish I knew what was wrong, I wish I were better at talking, and that I'd been able to help you--but still you were glowing. It was like holy fire. Like an angel had come into space for vengeance....
But angels are supposed to be forgiving. And for that matter, so are we.
I hope Heero isn't too hard on you. Be understanding. He loves me, though I may never understand why, and he may not be able to forgive you right away. But he knows how much I love you, so I think it will be all right as long as you have each other.
Oh, Quatre, I wish you could see this! The stars are so many colours when you really get a chance to look at them. Though I don't believe anyone will ever see them quite like I do...I'm going to run out of oxygen in this tank soon, and even after I stop breathing I'll be floating into them, for ever and ever, because there is no time in this deep kind of space. And someday, maybe a million years from now, I'll get close enough to a star that it will pull me in, and whatever's left of me will melt.
And then I'll be part of the star, Quatre. So don't be sad. You'll still see me. I'll be there, glittering and shining for you, for millions and millions of years, long after you've forgotten me, long after your children's children's children have forgotten you.
Isn't it amasing? Once, when I was little, someone who's face I've forgotten showed me a trick with a torch. He turned it on, and pointed it up toward the sky. And he told me that was his immortality--because someday, whether it was soon or not, he was going to die. But that single beam of light would keep traveling out into space forever and ever and ever, until it reached the end of the universe, which it couldn't actually do because the universe is always expanding, getting bigger, the edges of reality stretching out further and further to make room for all the light inside it.
I don't know if there's a Heaven, but I believe in space. I'm becoming part of it--I can feel it, because I'm already running low on air and the velvet is getting thicker, warmer, wrapping me inside it. I feel like at last I'm coming home.
So don't be sad, Quatre. I'll go on forever....